Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It's not so bad...

Just ask the dogs. ;)  


Oh gosh, and speaking of dogs, you all haven't met Bowie, our latest foster.  Yes, he is almost alarmingly similar to Paisley:  lots of white and pink on his face, a more faded brindle, and one blue eye, one green, as opposed to Paisley's one blue, one brown.


And look at what the poor boy has to deal with around here!  Not only are dogs through our house toddler-tested, and cat-tested, and at least marginally dog-tested, but they are J tested too, and I can't think of any better reassurance of their stability.  Try as I might, I just can't train it out of him. ;)


THANK YOU everyone for your support as our family is going through a difficult time.  It truly means the world to me and is a great comfort to know people are loving and kind at a time when it is sometimes hard to focus on the bright side.  

A soft rain is falling, and my Bugga is oh-so-snuggly lately, so I think it is time for books, blankets, and cuddles.  A perfect rainy day if ever there was one. =)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

a new reality

The tears began to flow as I hit the interstate on-ramp.  Not 2 miles from home.  And before I knew it, my foot was firmly planted and I was speeding (yes, in the legal, or shall I say illegal, sense) down the interstate, tears streaming down my face.  Doing the exact opposite of what everyone said, and what everyone said was to "be careful."  

Indeed, I would not say speeding while crying is considered a careful act.

Why was I speeding?  What was my hurry?  

I had left my comfortable life--Jeremy, the Bug, the quadruped entertainment/snuggle troupe--and found myself rushing toward a new reality.

Speeding away from helplessness and toward almost certain pain.

Yet there I was and it seemed the uncertainty, fear, guilt, anger, hope, apprehension, and anticipation--along with a myriad of other nameless emotions--were weighing down that gas pedal as surely as my foot was.

Several miles later, I finally found equilibrium again, but it was fragile.  Tears proved to be my unrelenting companions today.  It was just like that.

I traveled today to meet my brother and pick up my Dad to come home and live with us for a while.  My Dad is an alcoholic, with rapidly failing health.  Those 2 factors are so enmeshed I'm sure no one could untangle them.  This is my family.  And this is our last ditch effort to get our Dad healthy.  I'm clinging to a hope that he is still there--beneath the addiction, beneath the loneliness and sadness of the past several years.  I'm just hoping to see a glimmer of the man I grew up with, the guy I once thought knew everything (don't all daughters think that of their fathers at some point?).

In a perfect world, he would be in a residential treatment setting.  It is where he needs to be, and we hope in the future he still might go.  Because truth be told, I don't know squat about addiction and coming down from your demons.  Oh I've been around it my whole life and I'm no angel myself.  I have my bad habits certainly, like picking my lips and spending too much time on the computer (love you macbook, missed you today).  But that's just what they are, they are habits, not addictions.  And I'm essentially clueless as to what the future will hold, particularly the next few days.  Dad's first days of sobriety.  A chance to see what might be left when his relentless companion is gone.  

It is worth mentioning that my brother got him through day 1 and most of day 2.  That my brother has been enduring a lot being the most easily accessible child, living in the same town, seeing firsthand the ups and downs, and how each down seemed just a bit farther down than the one before it.  Until we got to where we are now, just shy of that ubiquitous "rock bottom" you always hear people talk about.  Or maybe this is "rock bottom," who really knows?  Maybe it's one of those things you can only really see in retrospect.  I guess we'll find out.

Tonight, somehow, all feels peaceful.  I'm fairly certain all the other beings in the house are sleeping; something I surely should be doing too.  I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I don't know how long Dad will be with us, or if we'll be successful together in fighting this beast, or if things will be surprisingly easy, or surprisingly hard, or if I'll want to run screaming from the whole darn mess.  So much I don't know.  But if this peace proves fleeting--which I'm pretty much counting on--let me savor it now.  Let me shore up, because I know I'll need it.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My Friday Sweets

No, not anything I baked.  Though you can bet your bloomers I've been baking lots lately and consuming more than my fair share of chocolate.

Well, then again, I guess in another sense, I sure did bake this sweet. ;)


My Bugga man.  At lunch just now, he started to get down from his seat while in the middle of his left over bean burger.  Now, normally, I don't allow him to get down and flit around during meals, so normally I would have been all over the situation.  Alas, I'm kind of sick, Bug has been definitely sick, and something told me to wait a moment and see what he had up his sleeve.

And boy am I glad I did.

My little guy, sweet as chocolate pie (or a fruit pie, if you so choose), got down and moved his seat so that he was right next to Momma, touching my leg in fact, and crawled back up, pulled his plate over, and resumed his meal.

Talk about meltin' a Momma's heart.  =)  Yup, he sure melted my chocolate-clogged heart.

I'll be darned if that doesn't somehow make me want to bake some more.

Take that how you will.  ;)  

*Gosh, I am one ornery, ornery lady today.